Bachelor parties
A google image search for "bachelor party" yielded the expected results. Wikipedia tells me that "Increasingly, bachelor parties have come to symbolize the last time when the groom is truly 'free' and without the influence of his new wife."
Celebration.co.za says "The bachelor party is a party for the groom to party the night away, with his male buddies, as his last night of being a single man and to possibly do things / activities his future wife may not approve of."
"The groom's mates often, after heavy drinking, subject the groom to various humiliations, sometimes in public. These often include leaving him tied naked to a pole or placing him on an aeroplane to a remote location." Source.
Think: heavy drinking, shaving of eyebrows, painting of body parts, general mayhem.
I've never been a heavy partier. In fact, for most of my life I've been an "observer" - someone who watches what goes on without (often) getting involved. So it's been healthy for me to move beyond that, and to participate in things which I don't know how to do "properly". Sometimes I've had to pretend that I'm having fun, so that I don't offend my friends.
I've been to a few bachelors parties. They've been interesting. Almost none of them serve any purpose beyond attempting to embarrass the groom. Also, see the presuppositions above: they're all rubbish (obviously!). So why do something which gives credence to them?
Some people would say that a bachelors is a necessity, that it's one of the few rituals that we (English-speaking South Africans) have left. This resonates with me: I like rite-of-passage rituals and feel that those who haven't gone through them have missed out.
All rites-of-passage rituals have a purpose: to move a person from one thing to something else. Like from a boy to a man. So what is the purpose of a bachelors, then?
The ever-reliable Wikipedia tells me that "The history of bachelor party is thought to have originated with a bachelor dinner that was traditional in ancient Sparta (5th century BC) where soldiers would toast each other on the eve of a friend’s wedding."
I like that concept: the friends of the groom getting around one of their fellow warriors and wishing him well for the future, for his new life. How we got from something profoundly affirming to something almost entirely de-structive - I don't know. I know this much: I don't like it.
These are some of the presuppositions of my relationship with Danya...and as you can see, they're in direct conflict with the presuppositions of a bachelor party.
And so I'm thinking of not having a bachelors party before my wedding in December. What do you think? Do you think I'm being too serious and not playful enough?
I'd like to "take on the system." I've been at enough bachelor parties where the groom is uncomfortable, a lot of the people there are uncomfortable, and there's an unspoken thing of "this is stupid - we could do it a lot better." It's meant to be affirming, not something you'll regret.
Technorati Tags: bachelor party, wedding, rites of passage
Celebration.co.za says "The bachelor party is a party for the groom to party the night away, with his male buddies, as his last night of being a single man and to possibly do things / activities his future wife may not approve of."
What to expect
"The groom's mates often, after heavy drinking, subject the groom to various humiliations, sometimes in public. These often include leaving him tied naked to a pole or placing him on an aeroplane to a remote location." Source.
Think: heavy drinking, shaving of eyebrows, painting of body parts, general mayhem.
The presuppositions
- It's your last night of freedom - enjoy it (assumption: a wife takes away your freedom).
- Many people refer to the wife as "your ball and chain."
- The idea is that the man gives up his autonomy and now can't do anything without another's approval - the implication is that she won't approve of anything fun from now on.
- Some people think that once married life begins, boredom sets in, because it's impossible to live an adventurous life with a woman in tow.
Me, the party animal
I've never been a heavy partier. In fact, for most of my life I've been an "observer" - someone who watches what goes on without (often) getting involved. So it's been healthy for me to move beyond that, and to participate in things which I don't know how to do "properly". Sometimes I've had to pretend that I'm having fun, so that I don't offend my friends.
I've been to a few bachelors parties. They've been interesting. Almost none of them serve any purpose beyond attempting to embarrass the groom. Also, see the presuppositions above: they're all rubbish (obviously!). So why do something which gives credence to them?
The necessity of it all
Some people would say that a bachelors is a necessity, that it's one of the few rituals that we (English-speaking South Africans) have left. This resonates with me: I like rite-of-passage rituals and feel that those who haven't gone through them have missed out.
All rites-of-passage rituals have a purpose: to move a person from one thing to something else. Like from a boy to a man. So what is the purpose of a bachelors, then?
The ever-reliable Wikipedia tells me that "The history of bachelor party is thought to have originated with a bachelor dinner that was traditional in ancient Sparta (5th century BC) where soldiers would toast each other on the eve of a friend’s wedding."
I like that concept: the friends of the groom getting around one of their fellow warriors and wishing him well for the future, for his new life. How we got from something profoundly affirming to something almost entirely de-structive - I don't know. I know this much: I don't like it.
The presuppositions of my marriage
- Danya doesn't take away my freedom - she increases it. By being with her I have more options for life and am amazed by what she's drawing out of me.
- My capacity for adventure increases by being with her. For instance, I've wanted to go back to China ever since I first went there, but want to share that *with* someone.
- We will have a full life with each other, growing into people we never thought possible.
- I will be completely loyal to Danya at all times.
- I wrote this to her a while back: "I commit to having a group of people around me external to our relationship who hold us and our relationship in prayer and positive intentions, and who, in a world of failed relationships, help guard and fight for our own relationship."
- I'll always tell her the truth and will always trust her.
- We see the other as our "adventure partner for life."
These are some of the presuppositions of my relationship with Danya...and as you can see, they're in direct conflict with the presuppositions of a bachelor party.
And now?
And so I'm thinking of not having a bachelors party before my wedding in December. What do you think? Do you think I'm being too serious and not playful enough?
I'd like to "take on the system." I've been at enough bachelor parties where the groom is uncomfortable, a lot of the people there are uncomfortable, and there's an unspoken thing of "this is stupid - we could do it a lot better." It's meant to be affirming, not something you'll regret.
Technorati Tags: bachelor party, wedding, rites of passage
In part that was because the only one who knew we were getting married were my mother, my wife's parents and the parish priest. Even the guest preacher didn't know beforehand.
I don't think I missed anything. From the descriptions it certainly sounds eminently missable. Isn't the wedding itself rite of passage enough?
It seems like you are torn between 2 rites of passage, 1) A farewell to bachelor hood/childhood, and 2) a hello to marriage.
But in reflection this is only one passage, and all passages involve a move from state A to state B. So I'd say its one rite, involving a goodbye and a hello.
I'd also consider NO bachelor party to be a Walter Wink like statement of protest. I abhor South African pseudo-ritual, and I suffered plenty of it in the old SADF.
So the question is, how to infuse this rite with power and authenticity, such that there is a witness to the passing.
As a Burner, I'd suggest something pyrotechnical, Christopagan, and large scale, but can't take any further responsibility for what, how, heresy, or insurence.
But yes, you owe it to yourself to make your mark on the passage, in such a way as you and your community really enter in to the process.
Ann and I had a lot of music, with wide ranging contributions: yiddish, jazz, township, choral, folk. It seemed like a good Rite, but wasn't that overtly radical. I think in retrospect I might have made it more so.
Hope thats not too much food for worry...
Personally, I appreciated my bachelor party - we went rafting down the Tugela. Although it's usually framed as a rite-of-passage for the groom, I think it's value is broader than that. It's also a transition for your mates. They need to come to terms with the fact that they are now not just relating with you as an individual, but you and Danya in the unit of marriage.
The bachelor party recognizes their participation in your development as a person. It also recognizes their continued role in your life, but acknowledges that that role may change now, and has to broaden to include Danya.
Anyway, that's how I see it. Don't shoot it down, but don't use all other bachelor parties as a template either. Make it something that's true to the sort of relationship you have with your best mates.
Enquiring minds want to know!
http://www.LimoPartyBusJhb.co.za